I knocked on the door but no one responded; I knocked again and waited patiently; I knew someone was inside, whom I wanted to meet, consult and seek guidance from. So I had no choice but to knock again, after a long wait, the door finally opened; but not by the one I wanted to meet.

To my utter shock; it was opened by the one that has always been responsible for making me feel low, even during the most happiest of moments, doubt my capabilities, and make me feel insecure.

Why does it still continue to have such an effect on me? How does it manage to make me feel unworthy in spite of my accomplishments?

Ever since I remember, each time I set out to do something outside my comfort zone, it has been right there, waiting to stop me from taking that plunge. This made me retreat at times, only to regret it later.

As I progressed in my career, its control over me increased; there were times, I had to be a passive listener to higher authorities and oblige; keep quiet against what I felt and believed was right; I should have spoken aloud, done the right thing for myself and my team; but could not overcome the obstacles or convince the people in power around me; who seemed more helpless than me as they were also overpowered by it.  

It’s none other than ‘FEAR’ !   

Fear did not allow me to confront people; when they were clearly in the wrong; asking me to constantly compromise on my personal family time; complete tasks which they always felt were on top priority; had me sprint at an unimaginable speed and pace for races, which never seem to have a finish line, I continued to push myself till I could push no more.

I don’t blame any person or any organisation; but blame myself for giving in to my fear, not setting my boundaries and communicating it clearly. The fear of missing out on the next promotion or appraisal score, made me miss out on the most important thing, spending time with my loved ones and watching my Puchki grow.  

So I decided to take a break, be on a sabbatical and convinced myself to an extent that this fear would eventually leave me; but it did not; it just took a different form and continued to haunt me.

I tried to introspect and explore avenues on overcoming it; at times, distracted myself with meaningless activities; but then my ‘inner voice‘ asked me to walk on a path, which I had never seen before, pushing me towards a certain direction. At the start, I resisted, looked the other way, but, it was so strong that I had to finally give in and follow its command ‘to start writing‘. From the time, I obeyed my inner voice, I have experienced joy of another kind, had a positive outlook at life; I finally felt that I had everything under control and conquered my fear, just to find that it stood right in front of me, when I knocked on the door.

I again started questioning myself, what if these blogs were just beginner’s luck. Do I still have it in me to continue writing?  Too flustered and overwhelmed, I chose to do what I almost always do, look the other way, not address them right then and there, procrastinate.

I tried to focus on the reason, why I was knocking on the door, looking for advice on an impending issue. I halfheartedly looked for answers, did not get any, but still went ahead anyways to deal with the issue, with no focus. And, guess what the result was ‘Chaos’!

As wise men say, ‘Every experience no matter good or bad gives us invaluable life lessons’, this one too, taught me a lot.

I cannot walk around the phase of this earth, living my life, being completely out of rhythm, and then all that I will create is nothing but ‘noise’. I need to connect with my inner self, get in tune and be at peace with myself to create a ‘melody’. I need to continue to fight the war with fear, each time it appears, have self – belief and faith that I am unique, I am special and I have a purpose in this life too. If I don’t believe it, no one else will.

With this new profound wisdom, which lay right inside of me, I continue to tread on this path with absolute humility with my guards on and armory intact to protect myself from the next Fear attack.